I am also recently married, and agree with others who have counseled to decide if this is a deal breaker for you, ST. I would also say, though, that choosing a partner involves a certain amount of risk. People change, but you can’t make them. If you love everything else about him, maybe it’s worth the risk.

You bring up some very good points. As we used to say in the ’60’s (1960) You are “right on” with your questions. (You identify yourself as a feminist. I wonder what that means in 2009….Another story for another day. Don’t panic, I had a crush on Gloria when I was in High School :-))

Now to address the subject at hand.
The best you will ever be is second to the addiction to nicotine. His first love is the drug.

You will stop at inopportune times to buy it. You will wait while he steps outside for a “quick” smoke.

You will share in this by the aroma that follows you wherever you go, finding butts in weird places, and ashes blown wherever the wind takes them. I would encourage you to speak with a few mates of smokers to get a firsthand perspective.

I am not so sure that there is a “sudden prejudice against people who smoke.” There is however a growing awareness that drug addiction has a negative impact not only on the individual but on the whole of society. (This includes all recreational drugs legal or not. Alcohol being one of the most deceptive)

Your relationship should not be one of, “I give this, so you give this.” Rather WE, God, you, and I own 100% of this relationship. How can WE make it better?

Please do not hear me say that the relationship should not be. Rather hear me saying that one should proceed with caution and awareness.

May God hold your hand.

Yes, nicotine is said to be the most addictive drug known. That’s why our “prejudice” is so important, to get people to understand how much this drug sucks, and they are much better off not to pick it up. Although, I must say, my mother was one of those people able to only light up once in a blue moon. Never home, and never as a habit. These folks are few and far between.

At the risk of getting side-tracked, I do not fully endorse #4. Although lukelm is giving a very positive reason to quit smoking and is technically correct, I hope it is clear that there is no known “safe” dose of cigarette smoke. Quitting does allow your risk of many smoking related diseases to trend toward normal. Some risks are rapidly reduced within a year of cessation, but with others a return to normal could take a decade or more.

Here’s a link to the CDC’s Smoking & Tobacco information: http://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/index.htm

I am deeply concerned about our society’s sudden prejudice against smokers. A lot of people picked up smoking young (especially in non-Western countries, where smoking is the norm), and once it has begun, it is difficult to stop. Make that, nigh-on impossible. I have spoken to heroin users and they have told me that quitting heroin is difficult (and painful), but quitting tobacco is the worst. I give a lot of grace to those trying to quit tobacco use.

I agree with Luke that HOW you communicate your concerns is the most important thing in your relationship. If you are concerned, you need to say so– which I suppose you have. And he has tried to rebuff you. Perhaps he’s not able to hear you now. Perhaps he thinks your concerns are ridiculous– I had a conversation with a Bangladeshi friend and I was telling him that most Americans don’t smoke. He straight didn’t believe me. So there could be a cultural disconnect with this subject. Whatever the case, it is his choice, just like it is your choice to remain with him or not.

Even if he does quit, it takes, on average, ten times of a serious quitting before someone quits tobacco for good. Are you willing to live with a smoker? That’s the real question.

1) The long-term commitment thing is kind of funny. In the initial motions toward the possibility of long-term marriage commitment, it pays to be very very cautious and very picky. You need to know & trust your very deep senses about how fundamentally good and kind and trustworthy the other person is. (Hormones/pheromomes do everything they can to interfere with this, by the way! Of course, hormones and pheromomes are fantastic things in their own way.) However, once you HAVE committed your life to another person, then the game changes - you take them all in, bad and good, and have to give them lots and lots of time and space to be exactly themselves, and try to continually make your love as unconditional as possible, even if the issue surrounds something like smoking. If you want them to change in some way, be incredibly gentle, and realize that it will probably take several years or even a couple decades of unconditional love before they might want to change.

2.) The fundamentally important issue probably isn’t the smoking vs no smoking, but rather how you two communicate about it now. Is it something you’ve been able to talk openly about, communicate well, recognize that you both have different viewpoints, even laugh about? Those are all good signs that you’ll make a good team together. On the other hand, does the tension over the issue result in snide comments, unrelieved frustration, feelings of separation? Those are signs of bad communication - and not being able to communicate well over an issue like this can be a warning sign that in the future you both will continually resort to those relationship-killing modes.

3.) If it is something you can communicate well about, but he decides not to quit, you can probably just work out a practical solution. No smoking in shared living spaces, shared cars, etc.

4.) Yes, smoking is pretty much the worse thing you can do for your health habit-wise, but if he quits by his mid-30’s, he probably shouldn’t have many long-term effects.

If I were to do it again, I would say, here are a few things you’ve got to do, if you want us to have a future. And quitting smoking would be first on the list. I would offer to be open to his “list” as well regarding me.

Like David says… spiritually it’s about moderation. Problem is, very few people use tobacco in moderation (a cigg here and there, like seldom) because it is so addictive. Worse than heroin, I have heard. My husband was also brilliant, but the smoking betrayed a certain & profound underlying stupidity about down-to-earth things, as well as a self-destructive tendency. I was with him many many years, and that’s my best take on it. AND and besides, it’s gross. That’s the bottom line! :-)

I believe that that you have it backwords. You state: “Marriage and long term partnerships include compromise. If I am going to give up some of my bad habits then the other person should do the same, right?” If you love him and want a long term relationship the compromise is that you accept him for who he is today. You allow him to be himself and not what you want him to be. In return, he is gracious with your faults.

It seems to me with something like smoking (and many other things in life) it is important to allow him to make the decision to stop instead of forcing him to doing so or else. If he quits only because you want him to it will likely lead to resentment and relapse.

I promise you there will be a million things that drive you crazy about the person you marry, but we don’t do our selves any favors getting caught in the trees when we should be basking in the glory of the forrest. The real question is do you love him enough to accept him faults/beauty and all?

But since you asked for honesty: Do not, I repeat, DO. NOT. overlook anything you believe to be a warning sign. The mere fact you thought it important enough to post on here says something huge.

For me, I could argue both sides of the ethics and personal freedom aspects of smoking. It would come down to that frankly, I find it gross. I suppose a cigarette twice a year wouldn’t be a big deal, especially if my SO didn’t expect any mouth-to-mouth contact until there was zero smell or taste or residue or anything like that. But every day? Several times a day? No thanks.

It’d be the same if I were considering an alcoholic who smelled like BO and booze on a regular basis. Or (EWYUCKNASTYGROSS) ate animal flesh. The less it happens, the less it’s an issue, but at some point there’s a line I just can’t cross.

Oh, and by the way, I don’t use coffee to “do my body’s work of waking me up.” That’s what alarm clocks are for. :-P

I am a non-smoking son of parents who both did. My dad started young; my mom started after 15 years of marriage and a stressful job.

My thoughts are:

1) You have given us several reasons why you don’t smoke - why does he? Have you asked?
2) I’m not sure we are on stable ground arguing against any sin like “smoking/drinking/not exercising” as being against God’s temple. The proper question is one of moderation versus excess. Jesus turned water to wine, and there are several sins we can be (are, in my case) guilty of.

I hope everything works out.

Matthew 7:1
1 Corinthians 13:5-7
2 Corinthians 6:14a