What Men Want: a Valentine’s Day Primer and Quiz Show

The following is both an advice guide and pop-culture quiz. On the one hand, young ladies will learn what men are really thinking (it’s not that hard…) and on the other hand it’s a game that you can earn points with. I don’t have a degree or anything so I’m using all my relationship examples from Hollywood movies and TV shows which are made by liberals and people who are exceedingly arrogant. I’m sure they know what they are doing…Anyway, each pop-culture reference has points associated with it that you can earn if you can identify them and tell me what movie or TV show they are from. (I will award partial points if you can only get some of the movies in each piece of advice)

Number 1: Men want women who are hot. Of course, you knew this. But here’s the thing, we don’t woman who are too hot. Okay, okay, sure…we like hot chicks. But while we all want to be in Inara’s bed, it’s Kaylee who’s getting the ring. Hot, but cute. The fact is, Inara tries real hard, which means she’s high maintenance. But Kaylee is cute as button covered in Engine grease. (15 points)

Number 2: Men want a quest. Whether we have to find April’s copy of Jane Eyre or help Selene kill William. We need something impossible to do. Sure, we might fail and you might laugh at us. So whether it’s win your heart or conquer the world…we’re willing. *Just don’t ask us to do the dishes*. (40 points – and an extra 40 point bonus is you can name the movie that Selene starred in with a similar plot to finding that copy of Jane Eyre.)

Number 3: Men want a friend. Every Clyde needs his Bonnie (not a pop-culture reference). Maybe you’re Paula to my Tripp and you want to go sailing around the world with me; or I’m you’re Sam who doesn’t care that you’re whacked out in the head and have the name of a summer month spelled incorrectly. Baby, we gotta have some fun and you gotta be my friend. (30 points. Hint for second reference: Headless, Pirate, Scissors)

Number 4: You gotta let me do what I think I gotta do. Okay, I know I was Batman’s sidekick and our daughter doesn’t want me to leave town. But it’s 1934 and work is scarce so I head out to seek a new fortune before we lose our house. You gotta let me do what I think is best, especially when the poo hits the fan, even if I might be wrong. (20 points)

Number 5: Domestic help. It seems trite and old skool but remember how I always leave my socks on the floor and the decor at my apartment before marriage consisted of a three year old Dilbert calender and a life size doll of the most hated Gungan? Look honey, I know you aren’t June Cleaver, but Kitty Forman would be a help. (30 points)

Number 6: I need a strong woman. You can’t be strong/cold, you need to be strong/warm. Michael Biehn was impressed with his dark haired, tough as nails leading lady. But she had a heart of gold and a strong maternal instinct who took control when cowardly bearucrats failed. And he also loved his dark haired, inquisitive waitress who let go of her fear. But that same woman, about 12 years later, turned out to be a cold heartless bitch. Luckily, he was dead so he couldn’t complain. (This is a doozy. 40 points. Name all three movies directed by the same man.)

Number 7: We need someone who brings out the best in us. Remind us who we are and believe. Arwyn never gave up and tried to make her man remember who was the king. We need our Holly who, though we might be on the fringes of divorce, will still make me kill endless swarms of terrorists and run barefoot over glass. A good woman will bring out who we are in the inside. (15 points)

Well, that’s all I have. Men are simple. As you can see, most movie references involve men who kill things. That either says something pathetic about Hollywood or the movies I choose to watch. I hope you have an excellent Valentine’s day and spend it with the man/woman of your preference. If all goes well, and very Hollywood-like, you’ll end up happily ever after after watching your comrades get killed by huge insects who hurl rocks at Earth. (15 points)