Today I bought an illegal white substance

Actually, I didn’t buy it myself. I asked a friend to get it for me. Unfortunately, the pickup had to occur while I was at work. Luckily, my friend is 18, so at least I wasn’t encouraging the delinquency of a minor.

Before I committed this illegal act, I did my research. I read about the possible risks of this substance as well as possible benefits. I learned that you have to make sure you get the real good organic stuff and not any fakes, over processed or cut with chemicals and additives.

I worried a little about it. I had some housemates in college who were into the stuff. What if it makes me sick? On the other hand, people have been doing it for centuries. Heck, I bet my parents even did it when they were younger. I was visiting my sister a few weeks ago and she had some. She let me try a little and it was amazing. I had to get my hands on some.

I started asking around, looking it up on the internet. “yeah” people said, “I’ve heard of that stuff, but I don’t know where you can get it.” But then there was hope. I asked a friend who seemed like she would be into it. “no, I don’t, but my sister-in-law does, you should talk to her.” I did. “Oh yeah, I love it, give me your email and I’ll see if I can get you a hook up.” No word for 2 weeks. I wish I lived in one of those states where it is decriminalized. I heard that in California, you can walk right into a store and buy it.

I was getting desperate, I went back to the internet. I found a site with some names and, sweet, a phone number. I called it. “Can you pick it up tomorrow before noon in an alley in Frogtown (for those who aren’t familiar with St. Paul, this isn’t considered the “good part of town”)?” No, but I must get my hands on this. I ordered one and talked a friend into getting it for me. How much is it? Ouch, this could get to be an expensive habit. Hope I don’t get addicted.

And now I have it — one fresh gallon of raw, non-pasteurized, non-homogenized, grass-fed,  organic, whole, Jersey cow milk. It is full of beneficial bacteria and enzymes, conjugated linolineic acid, and omega-3 fatty acids. No hormones, no added vitamins and minerals, and it came from healthy, happy cows, munching on grass and hay in the sunshine.

I will now get out my paraphernalia (1 12 oz glass and a cookie) and use this illegal substance while I watch the third season of The Wire.

I’ll try to report back in 12-24 hours if I’m not sick with salmonella or listeria or busted by the fuzz. ***

***This story is true except I don’t have a cookie, which makes me sad.